there was nothing in the world that I ever wanted more than to feel you deep in my heart

Fuck tonight was a great show and a great time at Nurse Bettie. Ed Barnas came by, and I recognized another couple (John and Diane) from Dim Sum came to see this show. They really liked my black fan dance and wanted to see what else I can do. Luckily, I didn't do the fan dance at NB and did Poison's "Talk Dirty to Me" act, but I forgot my kneepads so I banged up my knees really bad. The crowd was really, really wet tonight.

I'm listening to The Cure right now cause Craig played it at the bar after the show and it made me all nostalgic and I'm too revved up to go to bed. It's the Disintegration album which always reminds me of high school when I was all into New Wave, wore black all the time (as if that has changed), thought Robert Smith was just the coolest shit ever, and I thought cutting myself was cool too. I didn't have any family problems or academic problems. I was stellar through high school. Graduated second in my class of 350 something. Editor of the newspaper. Nominated for prom queen. Super supportive and responsible Chinese parents. Blah blah blah. I was really a rebel without a cause just desperate to be different and stand out. How lame was that? I guess in retrospect suburbia does breeds complacency (at least where I grew up in Dallas/Fort Worth), and I did not want to be yet another over-achieving Asian person. Why was that so bad being successful and making it in America to me? I'm not sure. I just knew I didn't want success to be defined in the traditional Chinese way - ie: becoming a doctor, lawyer, engineer. Well, look at me now. Stripping.

Anyway, I didn't enjoy cutting the way real cutters did. I remember carving a few different initials in different parts of my leg and by my wrists. My mom saw one one day and freaked the fuck out. I think that was when she realized putting me in a Christian school was making me mental or something. Strangely, once I was in the Texas public school system in the poor ass neighborhood where we lived ($300/month apartment rental all utilities included was all we could afford - holla!), all the cutting and various, er, habits went away.